Getting older…
Last night during Jamie Kilstein’s set he told the story of his first sexual experience. It was disturbing, funny and sad all at the same time. What stuck with me most is he said, “Is this what happens when you are about to turn 30? All of the fucked up stuff that happened in your youth starts coming back to you? What happens when you turn 40, do your friends kick you in the dick?”
I’ve been processing all of the awful sexual abuse I was put through as a child. I’ve been most curious as to how exactly it has shaped me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a survivor. I’ll watch shows like Intervention and see people who went through all of the same things I did and now they are addicted to meth or heroin or any number of things. I’ve watched lots of shows like that… and it’s fucked how I don’t even recognize that shit happened to me. I imagine it would be like telling an Alzheimer’s patient about wars they fought in… “No… that never happened to me… I’m sure of it…” And then on the rare chance they are lucid and the memory comes back…. think of how painful that must be.
My family seemed to think repression and apathy were the best solution for every problem. This is reason number one I will never EVER have anything to do with them again.
All that being said, I suppose I am quite lucky. I have an incredible wife. I have incredible friends. Although it’s a defense mechanism, I enjoy being a funny guy. I’m glad that I’ve been able to find humor through all of this pain.
